17 Deranged marriage or bullshitometer at +∞!
I'm standing, in something like a queue.
About 200 children of the emperor are born the same year than me, and only 80 are still alive, and according to statistics until now, less than ten will survive until their 18 years. The emperor decided to let the assassinations be done, without even investigate them, judging that it's useful to "pick" the trashes and the pearls. Thus, the rivalry for the throne between the differents children of the emperor is tough, and some even decide to withdrawn from the competition to be able to live sufficiently long to be able to see their children grow up.
This "queue" is in reality all the children born the same year than me who are waiting their turn to declare the wife they chose.
And this is there that things become problematic: we are admittedly free to choose the wife we want, but in reality, it's also a test. Not being interested by the throne, I should be okay, but it happens I don't want to be remarked and even less to make an impression… But it seems it's unavoidable, and above all, too late…
-Hey, did you see? It's HIM!
-The guy who became the master of the imperial mage?
-Poor guy, it's sure he'll die…
-I heard that he drew the attention of the emperor, and you know our elder brothers and sisters…
-Yes, it seems like, a bit before our birth, there was even one who took advantage of the rage of the emperor to get rid of his contestants… I heard he is the only one of his year still alive…
-It's her you know.
-It's a girl?
It seems I'm learning interesting things.
Anyway, I'll have to prepare, I cast a quick glance at the audience.
I still see Marie in the crowd.
Don't think I'm not prepared.
Even if I seems inactive, I already said to my AI to contact Marie, and the later totally validated my plan.
This plan is quite important for me, so I want it to go well, I wouldn't like to be rejected at the last moment.
But well after all with a tsundere/yandere/shotacon as her how could she finish by saying no? I just needed to get rid of her basic tsundere resistance, after she become as gentle as a lamb.
I move forward.
It's soon my turn.
There is only one guy before me, so why he's announcing his choice, I pay attention to his way of doing things and to the surroundings.
The end of the queue is just before the Palace.
In the main market, thousands of peasants, commoners and rich bourgeois are watching and listening to the event.
In front of them is the actual candidate, and behind him, higher, on a lifted throne built for the occasion raised above the walls, the emperor… He seems to take his time and to make the most of the alcohol as well as women. Well it's the emperor, he has a harem after all.
Under the throne are all his children, in line, as far as the eye can see, in the succession order, the closer of the emperor being the better placed.
Several tens of corpses are already on the floor, being collected by soldiers.
This is the problem when you lower your guard in an event… The succession war is catching up to you.
I even see one of the children falling on the floor while screaming in pain, visibly affected by a poison, malediction, or even… insects that are eating him alive.
But it doesn't seem to be pleasing the emperor, who, concerned about the continuity of the ceremony, say: silence! The insects are carrying on their work, but the child, fear in his eyes, is not even daring to scream… He dies in silence, while the man before me starts to talk:
-My salutations, emperor.
Just 3 words?
Not even a bow?
All my clichés and dreams are crumbling.
But it's maybe for the better.
Seeing the a bit stiff body of the guy before me, I have a thought…
This guy? He's preparing for an assassination? In the case where he could be assassinated even in such a critical moment, it's not surprising he didn't do any bow. What is a bow if not lowering your guard?
-Me, NPC n°1, choose for wife NPC n°2.
So quick! Such a moving dialogue between the emperor and his son!
I look for Marie, and I don't remark a man, 2nd in the queue of throne pretender, who seems to be doing the same thing, with an annoyed air…
In the thoughts of n°2:
Marie, what is she doing?
5th of the list, and she takes the liberty of not coming to an even organized by the emperor?
What? She's with the peasants?
But it's pretty fortuitous…
I can kill two birds with one stone, I move her away of the throne, and I might even go up to the first place if the emperor is amused!
Definitely, I need to do this.
-My salutations, emperor.
Good, as usual, the emperor is answering to the salutation with a little gesture of his hand, it means that he doesn't have any special place in the eyes of the emperor.
It should be the right moment to act.
Back to Moar:
Me, Moar, choose for wife Mar…
A guy has the guts to cut me at the moment I'm about to say Marie!
-Marie, as one of the higher placed daughter of the emperor for the succession, how can you be in the middle of commoners? Are you determined to prove that you don't deserve this position?
He is quite happy about his speech, everything is perfectly planned, timed, at each second. Even every single of his gestures and actions. The gold is to give the impression to be the concerned and a bit nervous brother who reprimands his sister who takes too much liberties.
-Hey you, why are you interrupting me?
No chance I'm going to be stopped by this dumb guy, I was already famous when you were in the pierced condom of your father, bastard!
-What is the goal of your life? Piss everybody out the day of their marriage? So you'll need to talk about it with the hundreds of married today.
He doesn't know what to say, so, he applies the third best principle of the world: the best defense is the attack!
-What vulgarities in the mouth of one of the children of the emperor! Do you want to make the emperor die of shame today?
I answer quickly, after all on internet we have several billions of people to create the best replies! I use a multicultural answer that represents the sum of the insult expertise of all of internet in the last 20 years, but especially my proximity with the Chinese culture after so much webnovels of all kind! From videogame to cultivation passing by mechas, romances, magic and systems!
-Your mother has vulgarities in the mouth, I head you're born from a condom accident, what's sure is that she certainly took more vulgarities in the mouth than her dry well!
The Chinese culture (add 'your entire family have vulgarities in the mouth' would include myself so I omitted it), the French culture (refined I know), it's what I call cultural bridge! It's what I call cultural exchange!
Do you remember when I said it was the third best principle? It's because I'm the proud owner of the second and the first: 'When the attack of the opponent is stronger, the best defense is to run away', and for the first: 'Moar is always the stronger'! It's the Moar's law!
I have to admit, that after thinking about it, I think I have a law with this name already that drag around somewhere about time and magic, but well, at worse I'll have to rename it. Yes, I know, I'll call it the survival of the fittest*. Yes it sounds awesome I quite like it!
And did you think I finished?
I continue my attack, like a sub-machine gun!
-After all, the mouth seems to be your main attribute, but seeing how you always have the mouth open, if it's hereditary, it's sure your mother swallowed a lot of liquid!
-A wise man once said "We need to build a wall", and I agree! We absolutely need to close this mouth! I can't stand that smell!
Thanks, American culture!
-And do you see that, see how his wife seems uptight? She is clearly frustrated of his powerlessness**! Not only is he unable to satisfy her bodily needs, but he is even unable to make his stick come out of his pants!
It's certainly my fault if she is like that but well!
-And look at his hairs! I saw a vocational baccalaureate class more organized than that! And a shit less odorous!
Everyone understands for the last part but the first is a private joke.
-Oh, and stop with your you! You You You! I can say it too!
He coughs a good mouthful of blood!
I feel proud, and I stop there, It's my first time! HE bled for MY first time***! I'm so proud! I'll finally be able to look the other novel MC in the eyes****: I also made NPC cough blood! I broke the cultural barrier! Now Chinese people won't be the only ones to have this power!
I didn't let him the time to react!
I took advantage of the capacity of high rank mage to say thousands of words in a few seconds to say everything!
And everyone understood! It's the magic with mages! They talk and whatever how quick it is everyone understand!
My opponent seems to be give off steam.
-The emperor certainly won't let such lack of respect of his name without reacting!
-Oh yes? So look left!
There is the emperor, seated on his throne, with his high stature of almost 3 meters, laughing, a cocktail in a hand and a concubine in the other, and waving to us that everything is fine.
He even gives to the crowd of spectators the honor of hearing him talking:
-From now on Moar will be first pretender to the throne!
The reaction of the crowd is not long in coming:
-Kyaaaaaaa the emperor spoke!
-It's the best day of my life!
-I won't wash my ears anymore for all my life!
-I'll definitely make this story be told for the 15 next generations!
-Someone fainted! Call an ambulance!
-We don't have ambulance here! The author didn't add any equivalent either!
-It's my wife, why is she ALSO in love with the emperor! It's the 17th woman I marry! Why do I have to divorce each time?
-At least be happy that the emperor did a decree authorizing the divorce if the woman is succumbing to his charm!
They didn't even notice my great and powerful name?
They didn't even ask themselves who I was to have such a powerful name!
And I'm such a beautiful and well-proportioned man, how can them ignore me?
What do you mean I don't even have 12 years? How come because I'm not over the age of majority***** I don't have the right to be good-looking and talented?
And… This feeling, it's the same that I have everyday since a few months, and of almost 10 years ago, at Merlin's place…
The opening of a spatial rift! But it's been a long time I search a name for the place behind.
In fact, it seems that someone is often opening, but as only the powerful can remark it, I can concentrate myself on naming it… Like Moar's universe. Or even Moaria… Johny…
No, instinctively, a rune, a word, come to my mind, strangely, in magic, it's only one word, but if I had to translate it to the closer… It would be… Yes, it's that: The astral plane!
In any case, rather than hyping myself, I'll just get back to my marriage!
Sister or not, I'll defy the universe to stay free to do everything I want!
Don't look at how I absolutely want to marry with Marie, it has nothing to do with emotional attachment nor anything else, I just think of her as an obedient doggy.
As a dog, as long as you manage well, it doesn't bite.
And moreover, this one is taming itself!
Well I don't know if I won't take a wave of feminists and a shitstorm of comments and negative ratings****, so I'll first say something for my defense:
The Empire is a fantasy country with magic, as all fantasy country with magic, it's inspired from middle-age. And so, women are considered inferior, I'm just adapting to my environment.
Wait! No! Not good! No! I didn't finish!
Nyggloth only had parity recently, especially with the reluctance of the military faction that prioritize strength, it's been less than 50 ans.
So evidently, the equality man-woman is a problem!
And no! Unlike the empire I won't talk about adaptation to the environment!
Oi brother, come closer, wesh******, wallah I won't do anything to u, com'on come closer a bit, oi brother, come!
Sorry I couldn't stop myself.
So more seriously (put my hand on your shoulder), you know, I gave a lot of money to support man-woman parity, yes, yes, I did it! So we can come to an agreement, right? (rub my hands) What I was going the evening after coming back? I came back home, put my feet under the table, called for the mean, asked if she did the cleaning and the dishes, went to my bed, fulfilled my marital duties, then slept and leaved the morning after complaining of the poor breakfast and giving 50 bronze pieces so she'll do the shopping in the day, why?
It's irony! Irony!
Well definitely, I'll just say 2 3 sentences and I'm done!
-AI, activate the plan 2.
-There is no plan 2, master.
-Activate the plan ADW…
You are asking yourself what is the ADW plan? You'll soon know!
-Me, Moar choose as wife…
All the crowd is captivated by my charisma, or what I did just before, to choose, I would lean for the first personally.
-Do you see the woman there? Yes, the one dressed in white, on the left of the peasants. Yes, yes, this one.
Nice peasants are helping me by pointing and I feel the dangerous look of Marie as I'm not pointing her.
-So I choose the one next to her!
-It's not the one that just was reprimanded?
The crowd is absolutely surprised!
-Yes, the one who just was reprimanded, she's called Marie!
-But it's incest! Incest!
-Nobody ever did that!
-And between brother and sister? Even stepbrother and stepsister nobody ever did that!
-You never heard about Japanese people?
I ask, by curiosity.
Everyone is answering in chorus.
-Well that's it! Ah, and emperor, what do you think about this?
-It's lack of respect on top of being incest, he'll definitely be killed.
-Ha ha! ok!
After taking a closer look, the emperor seems to be so much in the influence of alcohol and women he's not even paying attention and say yes without even thinking about it nor listening to the question.
I wink to my mother and Marie's mother, just beside the emperor, to thank them, and I thank my idea to invent a drug in this world!
The operation ADW: Alcohol, drugs and women!
*In French 'survival to the fittest' is called 'loi du plus fort', it means 'law of the stronger', so it's pretty logic in this context.
**In French 'impuissance' means helplessness/powerlessness but also impotence! So there is a wordplay about how he is unable to replay AND to fill his bed duties! xD
***In french it's evident but I don't know if it is in English, but I hope you understand the sexual implication… Blood… First time… You see ha ha ha!
****I gave up the 4th wall, it doesn't even have any sense for me anymore. The 4th wall fell! All Hail 5th wall! Let's build a 5th wall paid by Mexicans!
*****The majority in the Empire is at 12 years, it's the same for Nyggloth, they have both kept the majority of the kingdoms' era.
******I tried to find the closer word in English, but no equivalent, it comes from Arabic and is often used in a slang way. Originally it means something like what's up but in France a lot of people use it in other way. When you're menacing: 'Wesh you have something with me?' 'Wesh y'have a problem?' or things like that, also when you're saying hello 'Wesh!', 'Wesh man!', or even in other sentences 'I'm a real guy wesh'. So it's used in cities and mostly by youngs. In place with a lot of north African migrants (like my high school), it is used frequently in eveyday speech. But as it has quite a suburb you'll never use it before adults, as they have prejudices, they'll just think you're a riffraff coming from African or Arabia, listening rap, skipping class, violent and illiterate, it's why I'm using it here.
Yeehaaa!!! Finally! A player started to penetrate the mysteries of the astral plane!
Well after they did shit and they were sucked up in another world! But it's brilliant! Soon is coming the exploration and the arc of the astral plane! But before, let's finish the marriage, the supreme stone and the resistance! So sorry you'll have to wait a few chapters!
So what did you think of the end? Would it be interesting to do others asides at the end of the chapters if I want to do it?
Sorry to those who took it seriously, I really didn't want to offend nor shock you, I just had a big excited delirium at the end and I couldn't stop myself to write…
In fact, originally, I said to myself that talking about Marie as a dog was too strong so I was about to find another comparison because I saw myself that this comparison was really evil, but I thought « if you put 15 tons of oil, nobody is going to notice the kg of water in the middle right? » (this expression doesn't exist, but it's quite nice, I'll keep it maybe in the future), so I started a delirium about feminism with Moar the shameless.
By the way, I forgot the name I gave to Moar after his birth, so I'll keep the original name right now. I'll go back to the one of his body eventually one day xD.
So long, originally, I wanted to stop at the discovery of the real identity of Marie, then I added the insults, then the parity and the feminism before to add the choice then the ADW plan! I didn't write in the right order on top of that! So, don't hesitate to signal typos and incoherencies I'll correct them immediately!
About the ADW plan, he really didn't know the identity of Marie, but Marie talked about it to her mother when she learned about it. So, in a way originally Moar asked only his mother to do it, just telling on passing about that to Marie.